I have a new fitness love: Candlelight Yoga, from Crunch Gyms. I ordered it from Netflix, and even though it’s a couple of years old, it’s exactly what I want from a yoga DVD. I’m not into power yoga, Bikram yoga, or any yoga that hurts. For me, yoga is less about exercise, and more about centering yourself and your breathing, while stretching and relaxing your muscles.

This DVD, starring instructor Sara Ivanhoe, delivers just that. It’s only about 40 minutes long, and Ivanhoe guides you through a series of relaxing poses, while simultaneously helping to keep the focus on the breath. It’s not a strenuous, challenging workout, but it does make me feel calm and my muscles always feel thoroughly stretched. Plus, I always sleep really well when I do this program before bed. I highly recommend it to anyone who is searching for a calming, gentle yoga routine.

Just when I thought Jessica Simpson couldn’t get any stupider or more repellent, I run across this quote on Popsugar, regarding her new rooster necklace:

“This is my cock! This is about as raunchy as I get these days. I don’t have a cock at the moment, so I wear one around my neck. I found this when I was antiquing. I saw it and said to myself, I’ve found my cock! I’ve found my man!

Ugh. I don’t even know what to say to this. Just ugh. Someone needs to shut her up. Maybe she shouldn’t have fired her publicist after all? I guess that comment is meant to be cute and ditzy, but I find it gross. On the other hand, Ashlee Simpson has been looking adorable in her Chicago promo shots, and I love the little gray cap she’s been wearing all over town these days. Cute!

I really love these pieces from Patagonia. They are cute, stylish, functional, and come in multiple colors. I especially like the boy shorts, since my legs tend to chafe when I work out. Adding the cute top makes a complete outfit, so you’re not reduced to simply wearing them to the gym. Plus, the clothes would work equally well if you’re walking, jogging, or doing yoga. I never buy fitness gear online; I find that exercise clothes tend to run small (I guess the assumption is that you are active and fit, and therefore compact and muscular), so I prefer to try them on before purchasing. However, I may make an exception in this case; these are just too cute to pass up.

Okay, so I hate leopard print. Always have. I hate it upholstered onto couches, I hate it on lampshades, I don’t like it on coats. It’s ugly. I don’t like tiger stripe either, and zebra is very, very iffy. I am, however, completely cool with tortoiseshell, as it is very chic, but I never find it on anything besides sunglasses. But the point is, 98% of the time animal prints are bad.

Except…

This season, leopard print seems to be working. When used in very small quantites to accessorize an otherwise perfect outfit, such as :

A ruffled black cocktail dress,

a killer red dress with trench,

or a black and white combo with fierce belt,

leopard print shoes can add just the right amount of pizzazz. I actually found an adorable pair of platform peep toes at Payless Shoe Source, and they were on sale for $11! Had they been half a size larger, I would have brought them home, but alas, they were too short. Which is probably a good thing, because I’m pretty sure this is just temporary insanity on my part, and one day I’m going to wake up and hate animal prints with my former fervor.

But for now, leopard print works for shoes. Also for sexy hipster panties if you’re built like Adriana Lima or have oodles of confidence.

So if you read the post below, you’ll see that I’ve included my favorite picture of Britney as inspiration to get in shape. In the spirit of totally making fun of celebrities who have embarked on a two-year, redneck, downward spiral, I’m including this second picture. I got it courtesy of the girls at Go Fug Yourself (the link is in my blogroll) and I highly recommend visiting their site. Their critiques of everyone are hilarious, but I especially love the pages dedicated to Britney Spears, most of which have been written from her point of view. Hysterical! (I also like the ones on the Simpson girls). Now, everyone cuts new and first time mothers a little slack; they are generally sleep deprived, have raging hormones, and are dealing with changing bodies. However, Britney is a bajillionaire with a stylist, and Sean P. is not exactly a newborn in this photo. So without further ado, may I present Mrs. Federline…

What the hell happened to this woman?
1. When is it acceptable to wear a black bra with a white top? Never.
2. When is it acceptable to wear a regular bra with a halter top? Again, never.
3. This is why I don’t like low rise jeans. It’s nearly impossible to find any other cuts these days, and in addition to the lovely “muffin top” they create, they also tend to leave your undies hanging out. Doubly bad if you’re wearing a thong. So, unless, you’re say, out slutting it up at a club, and NOT at a restaurant in the middle of the day with your child, low rise jeans+thong=bad. Unless maybe you’re trying to attract the attention of any guy who might swoop in and save you from your loser/mooch husband, but I’m guessing this is the look that attracted K-Fed in the first place, and the only thing worse than one Kevin Federline type hanging around is multiple Kevin Federline types hanging around. I’m just sayin’.