If emotions fell on a sliding scale from sadness to happiness, with neutral in the middle, I think my natural state would fall somewhere on the sadness side. It’s not intentional, though. I do try to be optimistic, and sure, I can have fun and be happy, especially with my friends, family, and pets…but at night before bed, when I’m just sitting still and being me, sadness tends to creep in.

I used to think this was weird, and that there was something wrong with me, but then I started paying attention. I work in a library; we have an entire section of books dedicated to finding joy in life. At our all-staff meeting last week, the keynote speaker’s speech was about how to be truly happy. The number one class at Harvard right now? How to find happiness. In my particular circle of family and friends, I know more people who are on anti-depressants than who aren’t.

So what’s the cause of all this? Why do people need to learn how to be happy? I mean, shouldn’t that come naturally? Is it the capitalist American lifestyle, wherein people throw themselves into the highest-paying job, regardless of whether it’s fulfilling, and then divvy up the few remaining hours left among family, friends, and hobbies (i.e., the fun things)? Is it the seemingly apocalyptic world out there, full of poverty, famine, war, disease, earthquakes, plane crashes, etc.? Is it the state of the planet, with global warming, endangered species and thousands of homeless pets? Is it perhaps the Standard American Diet (the SAD acronym is no coincidence!) with its unhealthy, overprocessed “food?” Are we not eating the nutrients that release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals into our brains?

I don’t know the answer. And I don’t really know how to stop the blues that seem to strike me for no apparent reason. Maybe we’re programmed this way; perhaps we need a little sadness in life so that we can fully appreciate joy when we find it. I know for sure that chemicals are not the solution for me, so anti-depressants are out. So here is how I cope: I try to eat an abundance and variety of fresh fruits and veggies and limit the processed crap (hey, I said try); I try to live as green as possible and leave a positive environmental footprint. I try live a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle and donate my time and money to worthwhile causes. And I’m trying not to let my capitalist nature win. I have a job that pays well, but is ultimately unfulfilling. There used to be a time when I enjoyed helping customers, even when the bureaucratic aspects of my job bothered me. But even that time has passed. Now I get irritated when customers need help, even though that’s the whole reason I’m there. I know the time has come to find a new path, and I’m working on that. I was just offered a very interesting job last week, but at less than half my current salary, and with no health benefits. I turned it down, because taking it would have made paying my bills difficult and cut into the kind of lifestyle I’m used to. I feel trapped: I hate my job, but it pays just enough to keep me hooked. So I’m trying to find a balance: a job that pays well enough to make ends meet, and that also rewards my soul/spirit. I haven’t found it yet, but I am going to school in October, and after that I should be able to start my health counseling business, which has long been a dream, and which I know will be rewarding. Until then, I guess I have to focus on the good points of my job: it pays fairly well, I get to work with two of my best friends, it’s indoors, and I have an inside track on all the latest books. I guess, for now, that’s not too bad.

So, until I find the key to lasting happiness, I will focus on appreciation: trying to find the good in all the things in my life, and as well as the best aspects of the bad things. Of course, I’m also going on a beach vacation in April, and that makes me very happy! So I guess there’s still hope for me.